Shame on Me

Yeah, I'm not good at this blogging thing...yet...but I have a feeling something is going to change.

There have been so many changes in my life and I find that they need to be put down where others can see them in hopes that my life may be a sweet savor to another (that's Christian talk for being a beacon to others or just helping others through their own crap).

My life since February, 2013 has undergone some heavy duty construction and as a believer in Jesus and our Creator, God - Alpha/Omega, Abba, Yahweh, Daddy - I can see the Hand of God in my life working so meticulously in the details that would send my mind spinning.  I've learned to not watch everything God does under a microscope but to stand in awe of His mighty work.  Just kick back and relax and know that when He needs me to do something, He will let me know but while I wait, I just praise Him and love Him and pray to Him.  What a freeing experience this has become.

In February my husband of 9 years decided he no longer wanted to be with me and moved back to his home town in New York.  Left me and my daughter behind with no income except the very small one I was making teaching art.  I knew this would not sustain us so I gave up my apartment of 8 years - willingly - and gave away lots of stuff - willingly.  Actually I hesitated to throw my bed away but I had no choice with the bed bugs my daughter's room had acquired just before my husband decided to leave.  Oh happy days!!!!

Thankfully, my best friend was able to hire me for some part time work for his business.  It eased the financial burden but still was not enough to keep the apartment and all that went with it.

While dealing with hubby leaving, an angry landlord, little money, bed bug wars and a child not understanding what is going on, all the while throwing things away and dump runs, God just kept me peaceful.  I thankfully had a place to land after handing over the keys to the apartment.  My mother and step-father made room at their house for us and my sister graciously gave us their bunk beds they were no longer using.  So, my daughter and I sleep in bunk beds sharing a make-shift room out of my mother's dining room.  Does not sound like the most desirable living situation but it didn't matter because God gave me unspoken promises that were not words but heart cries and I knew something HUGE was coming and it was going to be exciting and nothing I've ever experienced.

It is now August, 2013 and the HUGE thing I think has now made itself known to me.  I am in constant prayer and crying out to God for the big reveal - is it Yes or is it No.  If it is Yes, then it is an answer to an old prayer that I gave up on a long time ago but it re-sparked when I started teaching art in my daughter's school but it has just been a smoking flax.  As it seems, God is fanning that smoking flax and turning it into a fire.

  Matthew 12:20 A bruised reed He shall not break, and a smoking flax shall He not quench, till He sends forth judgement unto victory.

Judgement =  a separating, sundering, separation; a trial, contest; selection

I have gone through the separating, the trial and now He's making a selection.  I'm just waiting for the final decision to be revealed.  He has made the decision, He is just revealing it to me in His time.  No matter what His judgement there will be victory because God only works in victories for us.

When our summer broke this June, I had to follow through with something I really struggled with.  After all of this stuff happening in my life, I now had to give up the job that I loved - teaching art.  But God even gave me the grace for that too.  He told me to enjoy my summer and not worry about a job till my daughter started back to school.  I was ok with it till our vacation to North Carolina came up.  I did not know how I would have the money to go when I had no money to pay the first school payment and still not having substantial employment.  I could not sleep for 3 nights.  I was miserable and I finally cried out to God.  As I reasoned with Him about how irresponsible it would be to run off on vacation with no money for tuition He told me, "Go to North Carolina, enjoy the beach, enjoy your time.  I will take care of it all for when you get back."  Then complete peace came over me.  I did go to North Carolina, I did enjoy my week at the beach and I hated coming home.  But God has this amazing thing setting up before my eyes and it is insane and goes against all logic and what the world would say, but that is how God works.

I have one thing I see as an obstacle but I know God sees it as such a minuscule problem and I am waiting for God to lead me through that as I close my eyes and not look at it through my human eyes.  His ways are not my ways.  We wrestle not with flesh and blood but the rulers of the atmosphere - Ephesians 6:12.  I can not see my enemy, but God can and He will have to battle on my behalf to allow the path way to open up so that I may enter and walk through it.

In time, this will all be revealed to me and to others and the news will come out to my family and friends.  For now it is a secret for only those who need to know and I am patiently waiting for the final answers.