Shame on Me

Yeah, I'm not good at this blogging thing...yet...but I have a feeling something is going to change.

There have been so many changes in my life and I find that they need to be put down where others can see them in hopes that my life may be a sweet savor to another (that's Christian talk for being a beacon to others or just helping others through their own crap).

My life since February, 2013 has undergone some heavy duty construction and as a believer in Jesus and our Creator, God - Alpha/Omega, Abba, Yahweh, Daddy - I can see the Hand of God in my life working so meticulously in the details that would send my mind spinning.  I've learned to not watch everything God does under a microscope but to stand in awe of His mighty work.  Just kick back and relax and know that when He needs me to do something, He will let me know but while I wait, I just praise Him and love Him and pray to Him.  What a freeing experience this has become.

In February my husband of 9 years decided he no longer wanted to be with me and moved back to his home town in New York.  Left me and my daughter behind with no income except the very small one I was making teaching art.  I knew this would not sustain us so I gave up my apartment of 8 years - willingly - and gave away lots of stuff - willingly.  Actually I hesitated to throw my bed away but I had no choice with the bed bugs my daughter's room had acquired just before my husband decided to leave.  Oh happy days!!!!

Thankfully, my best friend was able to hire me for some part time work for his business.  It eased the financial burden but still was not enough to keep the apartment and all that went with it.

While dealing with hubby leaving, an angry landlord, little money, bed bug wars and a child not understanding what is going on, all the while throwing things away and dump runs, God just kept me peaceful.  I thankfully had a place to land after handing over the keys to the apartment.  My mother and step-father made room at their house for us and my sister graciously gave us their bunk beds they were no longer using.  So, my daughter and I sleep in bunk beds sharing a make-shift room out of my mother's dining room.  Does not sound like the most desirable living situation but it didn't matter because God gave me unspoken promises that were not words but heart cries and I knew something HUGE was coming and it was going to be exciting and nothing I've ever experienced.

It is now August, 2013 and the HUGE thing I think has now made itself known to me.  I am in constant prayer and crying out to God for the big reveal - is it Yes or is it No.  If it is Yes, then it is an answer to an old prayer that I gave up on a long time ago but it re-sparked when I started teaching art in my daughter's school but it has just been a smoking flax.  As it seems, God is fanning that smoking flax and turning it into a fire.

  Matthew 12:20 A bruised reed He shall not break, and a smoking flax shall He not quench, till He sends forth judgement unto victory.

Judgement =  a separating, sundering, separation; a trial, contest; selection

I have gone through the separating, the trial and now He's making a selection.  I'm just waiting for the final decision to be revealed.  He has made the decision, He is just revealing it to me in His time.  No matter what His judgement there will be victory because God only works in victories for us.

When our summer broke this June, I had to follow through with something I really struggled with.  After all of this stuff happening in my life, I now had to give up the job that I loved - teaching art.  But God even gave me the grace for that too.  He told me to enjoy my summer and not worry about a job till my daughter started back to school.  I was ok with it till our vacation to North Carolina came up.  I did not know how I would have the money to go when I had no money to pay the first school payment and still not having substantial employment.  I could not sleep for 3 nights.  I was miserable and I finally cried out to God.  As I reasoned with Him about how irresponsible it would be to run off on vacation with no money for tuition He told me, "Go to North Carolina, enjoy the beach, enjoy your time.  I will take care of it all for when you get back."  Then complete peace came over me.  I did go to North Carolina, I did enjoy my week at the beach and I hated coming home.  But God has this amazing thing setting up before my eyes and it is insane and goes against all logic and what the world would say, but that is how God works.

I have one thing I see as an obstacle but I know God sees it as such a minuscule problem and I am waiting for God to lead me through that as I close my eyes and not look at it through my human eyes.  His ways are not my ways.  We wrestle not with flesh and blood but the rulers of the atmosphere - Ephesians 6:12.  I can not see my enemy, but God can and He will have to battle on my behalf to allow the path way to open up so that I may enter and walk through it.

In time, this will all be revealed to me and to others and the news will come out to my family and friends.  For now it is a secret for only those who need to know and I am patiently waiting for the final answers.

Sick Days

Some more drafts that never made it all the way through.  Correction:  I'm not a slacker, I just don't finish anything I start.  I'm non committal.

I happen to be home with my 4-year old who is sick. Last week, I was out sick for 2 days. I'm glad I have a boss who likes me.

Long Time No See

I found this in my drafts.  I guess I'm not as much of a blog slacker as I thought!!!  I've decided not to finish it and just post as is.

It has been a friend's blog that encouraged me to open this back up and post something.

After my grandfather's death, I just became too busy to blog and really didn't have an interest anymore. But maybe I should. Not for anyone but for me.

I'm still a part time stay-at-home mom. The other part, I'm an art teacher in my daughter's school. This has been my one true dream from the time I was a small child of about 3 years old, drawing pictures of horses in the sun light of a back room in our home. I've wanted nothing more than to be an artist and as I got older and that dream was burst into a million pieces by my doubtful father, just being in art some how was enough for me, but then Reality set in and I needed to have a job that paid the bills and the art dream became a vapor and eventually let go.

When we let go of the things we love so dearly is when God can bring them back. But when He brings them back, it is perfect and exactly the way we wanted and needed them to be. So what if I'm 41 and living my dream. I just wasn't ready.

I work with elementary kids and I can't see me doing this job 20 years ago. I had no patience for kids then. It took some slow cooking in the crock pot of life for me to tenderize to perfection.

Slacker

Wow!!!  I am THE worse blogger of all times.  It has been over 2 years since my last blog post.  I'm such a slacker.  Maybe this whole blogging thing isn't really for me - Or is it?

I can't take credit for this piece - I got it off the web.  But I love it.  Pretty much sums it all up.

I'm the type of person that thinks out loud.  If you know me or have seen me, I'm the one wandering around babbling to myself or anyone who will listen.  I look mentally unstable and sound worse.  I'm fine.  I'm "normal".  I just have to hear my words as they are coming out of my mouth so that I can put them into perspective.  THIS type of sorting is what gets me into trouble.  Because I have to hear them to sort them, I say them in public and people think I'm crazy, angry, mean, judgmental, questionable in character...you fill in the blank.  I'm not as much as you may think though.  It's not so much my convictions and character that is really coming out but the immediate thought that is cluttering my mind and keeping me from what is really my true thought.  I blurt it out, kind of like tossing a ball out to see where it will go and if someone is around to hear it, it could be misunderstood.  Like tossing a ball out, it could hit someone and hurt them if it is not a calculated toss, which would bring yet another thought into the picture in the scope of all of this and this is what I am trying to avoid.

Call me eccentric, call me bi-polar, scatter brained; call me what you wish, but it is how I have been trying to organize my brain for years and it's only getting worse with age and pre-menapause.  I'm starting to become one of those...ahem... "more mature" women who just speaks her mind and doesn't think anything of it.  Kind of like wetting yourself in public and acting like there's nothing wrong with it.  It is a sight for everyone else to behold and gawk at causing uneasy feelings but for me, it is like any other day.

So, back to my original thought of if I should or should not blog.....

Because I have to toss those thoughts out to help organize them, blogging is kind of the back board.  I can toss the thought against it and see what comes back and edit things before I just post the latest and greatest headlines of my over working brain.

It is kind of like keeping a journal but allowing others to read it and by some chance help or encourage.  That statement just makes me laugh.  I can't tell you why, it's too random what is going on in my head right now.

If someone were able to take a journey into my mind, it would out weigh all the amusement parks in the world including all the Disney parks.  There's just so much going on in there you would need to plan your trip out.  I used to think I was below average mentally and academically but now, I think other wise.  I just don't think like everyone else and it seems the only other person who gets me besides me is my sister.  I think it's because she too suffers from the same genetic malfunction because I don't see this anywhere else in my family.  Oh, wait, now that I think of it, my cousin on my mother's side of the family is the same way.  It must be the Norwegian blood.  Damn Vikings!!!!

Most of my life has been structured because others have always told me what to do and how to do it and how to act and how to talk.  "This is acceptable, what you are doing, is not"  "You can't just say THAT, this is the acceptable way of saying it"  "You can't just walk around being YOU, it is not acceptable."

So, now that I am almost 42 years old and I am starting to understand more of why I need to hear from God and listen to what HE says, I'm starting to find out that I am exactly the way HE wants me to be, despite what everyone else around me is telling me.  I am not perfect, fine tuned, well rounded, but I am where He intends me to be now.  Tomorrow I will be right where He intends me to be then and in 475 days from now, I will be right where He intends me to be then.

We have all been created in the image of God.  We have all been created peculiarly.  The word peculiar is in the Bible 7 times.  One for each day of the week, I say.  *Each time that word is used, it is used to describe God's people and His treasure.  We are HIS treasure.  So, in all of my idiosyncrasies and random thoughts that become verbalized, I can remember that no matter what I say and who I offend (I apologize), I am still God's peculiar treasure that He hand chose for such a time as this in 2012 to live as His voice box and He has a plan for me and I apologize ahead of time for anyone who gets in the way of that.

Stay-At-Home Mom

Since my last blog entry many things have happened but not much in exciting material to "blog" about.

My new blogging on Reality Check will now be a chronology of being a Stay-at-Home mom. This may not be exciting to some but as a Christian woman who has worked in business for over 20 years and planned on working in business for the rest of my life, children or not, this is a Huge leap of faith. I do mean FAITH. There is no other logical explanation for it.

God pressed upon me about a month or so ago to finalize my work. I made a list of my responsibilities, packed up my office and prepared my heart for the end of my job. What I didn't know was I was going to end my job with no health insurance back up, no other job/income to go to, no savings to fall back on and I would be the one to QUIT. This meant, no unemployment insurance.

The day I told my boss of 5 1/2 years, I was going to quit, the conversation began with him calling me in for a meeting. The atmosphere of the office was strange, but it was nothing I had never experienced in the past. This place was odd to say the least.

"I am letting the Sales Coordinator go and you will be taking over her position." he told me.

I had a lump in my throat. This is not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted to go to him for a cut in my hours and work part time to be home when my daughter was home from school and work while she was at school.

I asked him if I still had to do all my other responsibilities or would this be my whole job. He told me he wanted me to keep doing my current job, minus the billing, which is what I was hired for 5 1/2 years ago and my expertise.

In the back of my mind I felt a nagging, "tell him. tell him what you really want." but I didn't listen to it.

I assured my boss I would help and be of full support knowing this was not what I should be doing and went into my office and paced. And paced. And paced some more, all the while wringing my hands and suffering from horrible stomach pain. I knew this was all wrong.

I pulled my boss into my office and with tears in my eyes, I pleaded with him not to let the other girl go. "I only want part time work, I don't want full time anymore." I blurted out, not believing what was coming out of my mouth.

He was speechless. I proceeded to explain, I need to be home with my daughter now. I want to come in at 9 am (vs. 8am) and leave at 2 pm (vs. 5pm). I just wanted 3 hours a day for my daughter. He looked at me puzzled like I was speaking a foreign language, "I have to think about this. I will be back." and off he went.

I felt the weight come off of me right away when I aired it all out. I was sure he would meet my request. I was a good employee and filled in many gaps for him and didn't think I was asking for too much.

He later came into my office after long deliberation, I'm sure; "I can't spare you part time, I need you full time." With that, I told him confidently but quietly, "So does my daughter." and the ball rolled from there.

I basically was told I had to quit if I wanted a part time job so I did. I gave 2 weeks notice on September 10th, 2009. It was the best 2 weeks of my employment there.

....he passes.

I just got word that my grandfather, John B. Asbjornsen, just passed away.

Facing Death

As I write this, down in Florida, my mother, her brother and his wife and their daughter sit, in a hospital waiting. They are waiting for the passing of my grandfather or they are waiting for a miracle from God.

As I write this, I am faced with a flood of memories of my grandfather when I was a child, while my grandmother was still alive and the life and love expressed to us through them was unshakeable. There could be no two people who loved their grandchildren more.

At the age of 10 I lost my grandmother to liver cancer. We watched her fade with each day until we were told to "leave her alone" to rest. It got to the point where a home full of so much life and love became cold and silent. My grandfather grasping for every moment he had left of her. My mother and Aunt keeping vigil over her until finally, one night, us kids were escorted from the house to a neighbor's and my parents and aunt & uncle waiting with my grandfather. Waiting for that moement, where my grandmother was no longer present with us.

When us kids were shuffled back to my grandparent's house, we were told of my grandmother's passing. I wase crushed to the bone and at 37, I still feel her loss as it was yesterday.

At 10, I had no idea what was going on with my grandmother, nor did I even consider the reality of her death. Grandparents never die. They can't! Who will take care of the children whose parents tell them "no"? Who will sneak the children an extra slice of cake? Who will get on the floor with the children and play any game asked?

At 37, I have too much of an idea what my grandfather is going through. He's 88, battling the after math of surgery to remove a tumor in his colon. The questions that come into my mind and I am not there to ask the doctors. I ask a barage of questions of my mother, medical terms and what ifs? I'm not a doctor, but it has always been a kind of hobby of mine. I don't practice but I read and take it all in. I wanted to be a doctor but was discouraged.

As my grandfather lay in a bed in hospice and the minutes, the seconds are ticking away, we wait. A pain staking wait. We know it will not be long but when?! The torture of not wanting to put your head on the pillow in case the phone rings, you want to be ready for the bomb to be dropped, again.

As kids we did not know what was about to take place and were sheltered from the ticking away of time, waiting. But now as an adult, every second of his life counts.

This is time to take with God, to pray for those precious last seconds. Are those seconds going to be the time that God reveals something to my grandfather? Are those seconds going to be used to reveal something to us?

We are saved, we are Christians. My grandfather, we don't know. As Christians we know there is no death. We pass on to be Home with Christ. It is a transfer from here to there. There is no fear in death for those of us who believe. But what about those who don't? What if he does not believe? We pray that he does, we pray that it is not too late if he's not.

So, as we play the guessing game and pray with tears pouring out of our eyes for many mixed emotions, the ticking becomes deafening. The seconds tick down until.....